FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
