Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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