There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
