Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Don't make out with my wife yet
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
