he thought i was a dude.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
