I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
