fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
