Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
