we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
