Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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