I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i believe in u and ur pee
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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