I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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