There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
