i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
