I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
