I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
