it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
