dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
