i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
