you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
