you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
