I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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