no, he came in my armpit
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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