I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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