Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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