My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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