My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
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