Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
