having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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