K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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