Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
