He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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