What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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