wrigley field is MILF paradise
i wish my penis had a tongue
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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