On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
