she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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