dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
