My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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