Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
