I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
