Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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