Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
