im drinking this country out of the recession.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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