remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
