Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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