I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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