So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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