I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
