hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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