I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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